New style
I thought I'd try a continuous blog today, as I have precious little to do. Not so much Bridget Jones style because I am not a cigarette obsessed singleton, but more keeping me out of mischief, and hopefully out of musings in general. Welcome to my life.
9.28AM
The Auditors Lament.........(imagine an open plan office bursting into song and dance, pseudo Bollywood style, for full dramatic effect)
Where are the documents I requested yesterday, and you promised would be waiting this morning (which is the only reason I didn't take the morning off, when I could have)? Where, in fact, are you? A Post-It Note on your monitor saying that you will be back later isn't helpful.
(Cue wild dancing and teeth knashing whilst client staff twirl giant staplers and hole-punchers around their heads)
I know you are leaving on the 15th of January, and don’t give a flying fuck, but I still need that paperwork you promised. And I have nothing better to do now than harass your department until I get them. I'm an auditor, dammit!
(Time for the wild and evil laughing (from the main character, the hapless auditor), and the dark mysterious music, accompanied by the clients moving their heads from side to side, with an expression of horror. The photocopiers, fax machines and printers all start spewing paper 10 feet into the air, and the paperclips start dancing on the desks)
So, for the second time this week, and it is only bloody Wednesday after all, I am left with little to do until lunch. I have the joy of a meeting at 3pm, which hinders my plans to leave at 3.30, but until those damned documents arrive, I have bugger all to do.
(Client staff begin weeping and wailing, wildly waving their arms about as the office stationery takes on a life of its own, and the auditor starts to rise into the air (strings highly visible). Black smoke emanates from the auditors ears, and a red glow takes over from the light cast by the flickering monitors. The dark and mysterious music reaches its crescendo)
But wait, what is this? A set of management accounts!!! Numbers! Analytical review! Work! Oh the joy will last me at least until 9.44AM.
(Time for the concluding dance scenes. The auditor swoops across the open plan office in a graceful arc, juggling highlighters and calculators, dodging the paper fountains and the client staff leap into their final positions – temps kneeling on the floor, permanent pen pushers onto their chairs and uptheirownarses management onto their desks, for a final and resounding cheer. Everyone then looks a little sheepish and returns to their desks)
Peace and quiet reigns once more.
I can dream, can't I??
10.17AM
It took a little longer to do the analytical review than I expected, mainly because my calculator is nowhere to be found. That calculator saw me through my exam triumphs last year (not to mention the several failures before) and has been declared missing, likely stolen.
However, it had a long and fruitful life, and will deserve entry to Silicon Heaven when it finally expires. Silicon heaven is the final resting place for all electronic lifeforms. It has to be real, for as Kryten says
"Where would all the calculators go?"
Back to the analytical review. Typical pile of pants, with enormous variances that no-one can explains, or more likely, gives a damn about.
In boredom, I have actually looked at areas that aren't in my scope. I'm not joking, without internet access, I would actually rather work (there is only so much time I can spend playing Spider Solitaire). Typically, the most interesting variances are there and I can't go and annoy people by brandishing my annotated set of accounts and asking petty questions. Usually I have better things to do than that, but on days like this, you take your fun where you can find it.
11.22AM
Have been shuffling papers and filling in small sections of my work programme. The erstwhile finance department are apparently due to return from their merriment after lunch. I wonder what that motley crew of mild mannered middle aged accountants have been up to? Despite their reputation for being grey, boring and petty minded, accountants can be the rowdiest and most drunken group of reprobates going.
Did you know that a survey of businessmen once revealed that accountants were the most likely professionals to wear women's underwear to work? I've found it very hard to look at my male colleagues in the same light ever since - are they wearing frilly knickers or boxers? A little diamonte thong or Y fronts? Suspenders?
I am so bored.
11.55AM
Time to break out the Spider Solitaire. I'm going to download Simpsons Hit and Run tonight, so I can play that instead. I really do love that game, and this laptop has a 17 inch screen so it should play well (but it is a bugger to lug around. I miss my compact little Dell)
11.58AM
That didn't last. I can have access to the client intranet to download some stuff. But no-one here has password access for the section I need the most. Bloody typical. Still, it is a start on today's work.
12.45PM
I'm waiting in a queue to defrost my lunch (home-made lasagne). This could be the most exciting thing that has happened all day. No sign of the finance department yet. Oh God the woman with the fish is here!
12.51PM
She has prawns today. And yet again she has stunk the entire building out. I am so tempted to blow this afternoon's meeting off and just go home. My lasagne is consolation though - I am a damn good cook!
Holy shit - the finance department has arrived! But now have to leave again to have some lunch.
13.46PM
Finance are still missing despite their brief reappearance. I give up. I am not destined to have a productive day, and I should just give up and go home now, because things aren't going to get any better.
I found a stack of papers by the photocopier which I assume are mine, but after going through them, I can see that half are missing. I'm going to hide them now, because I've just realised that these were printed on the 5th of Jan and I only asked for them yesterday. So unless the computer system has an error (which wouldn't really surprise me) I have stolen and written all over someone’s documents. It might explain why half of the stuff I wanted is missing though.
14.07PM
I was literally just typing that the finance department are taking the piss, when lo and behold they waltz back in again. I'm going to grab the woman I need before she goes home!
14.09PM
Too late. She has disappeared yet again. Bollocks.
14.21PM
Still waiting, none too patiently. I am all packed up, barring my laptop, and when I grab her (hopefully before my meeting at 3pm) I will get my stuff, fling it in the file - I will deal with it tomorrow - and put everything in the car. Then I can wander over to my meeting in the other building, get the paperwork I want from them and then I am going home.
14.26PM
My head is bleeding. Why, I don't know. Maybe my brains are pushing their way out through my skull.
14.39PM
I have stolen someone else's documents. She hasn't done what I asked, and says I have to wait until tomorrow morning because it will take her a couple of hours to get my stuff. So I have shredded the stolen ones and put them for recycling. They were there for two days, so I don't think they will be sorely missed.
14.47PM
I’m going. Meeting first and then home.
posted by DMouse007 @ 1/07/2004 04:56:00 PM
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