My purse
I've been clearing out my purse today. The amount of receipts and other bits and pieces in there was astounding, and what a strange story they tell.
In the first receipt compartment (I am this organised) are all my work related expenses ready to claim. Mainly train tickets and car park receipts. And a running tally of how many times I have been through the Dartford tolls this month (they don't give receipts). Oh, and a receipt for a USB memory stick for my laptop. We'll skip on by these ones. Extremely boring.
In the second compartment are all my supermarket receipts, so I can keep an eye on how much I have been spending and on what. It's the accountant in me, I swear. So I can see that this month, I have spent my allotted £160 on food kind of stuff. Two weeks I was over - needed some toiletries (hah! If only I tided the bathroom up instead!) and some steak one week (yes, I honestly did need the steak to satisfy an intense craving for bleeding meat), and the other week was my epic stuff the trolley because I have £134 off my shopping stock up trip. And I got a little carried away. Luckily, two weeks I was under - only needed milk, fruit and veg, and bread.
The supermarket receipts are highlighted and annotated to encourage me to stop buying crap. No more microwaveable burgers (for the Baron, and they are as foul as they sound). No more Ben and Jerries ice cream (both guilty on that one and the cats do love a little too). No more toiletries - I HAVE ENOUGH. I have to remember that! No more large tubs of pimiento and feta stuffed olives - small tubs only (they all get eaten the first night anyway). No more houmous - the Baron's tastes far better than the store bought, even if I have to tidy the kitchen up after as he is too lazy. And no more biscuits, because I really will eat them if they are there, despite what I tell myself.
In the third compartment are all my coupons and stuff. Some from Tesco, some from some pharmaceutical company that sent them out of the goodness of their big greedy corporate hearts, and lots of book related ones. I am a bookshop owner's wet dream - I find it physically impossible to leave a shop without a book. And my interests are quite specialised so they are always obscure (so I have to buy it because I may never see it again) and always expensive. In return, they send me coupons for money off if I spend a certain amount.
The fourth compartment is where it starts getting interesting. A receipt for a large ginger cat. A separate receipt for a large ginger cat’s inoculations and bollock removal. Plus a whole load of adoption related stuff that really needs to be filed.
A receipt for a bass guitar. Another for a gig bag. Yet another for an amp lead because in my excitement over my guitar I forgot the lead and had to go back again. Strangely, there is also an alan key in there for adjusting the string height. Hmmm....that probably ought to be in my gig bag.
The receipt from my Institute membership and subscriptions. Looking mightily crumpled and stained. I've got the certificate, so who cares!
A receipt for a pair of shoes. I have no idea where that came from. Definitely not mine. I don't shop at that shop.
Bulk cat food shopping trip. Plus a cat bed. And just because, some blue tumblers with.....you guessed it....cats on.
Receipt from a meal out for my birthday. That was a biggie - 6 adults and one child. But it was a good night out. It is a family tradition that the Birthday Boy or Girl has to take the whole family out to celebrate. Lucky for us that my birthday and the Baron's can be celebrated at the same time.
Receipt for Dad's birthday present - he is the Birthday Boy tomorrow so he is coughing up for dinner. We (being the Baron and I, and my sister and her partner) got him a thirty minute flying lesson and a twenty minute acrobatic session in an ex military aircraft. He is over the moon, and from the way he is talking, is planning on flying there during his lesson!
The receipts from the new work clothes that I bought on Monday. I needed new trousers as my bum was looking bobbly - trousers not anatomical defect, and they had some lovely shirts. I’m wearing one now.
As an aside, I use a fountain pen at work. It's the only way to make my handwriting look passable. Guess who got rather animated in conversation today and sprayed blue ink across a 2 metre radius? And covered her new shirt? And her face and neck?
I'm sure you managed to guess. Little Miss Competent here in the corner.
What else?
More vet receipts - claw clipping for Miss Ellie and flea treatment for the whole brood.
The receipt and list of repairs needed on the Baron's car to certify it road worthy. Not too bad, but shouldn't still be in my purse as it is nearly a month old.
Note to self to buy road tax before it expires on Sunday. Have I yet? Have I bollocks.
Note to self, need stamps......I have a diary, so why the explosion of post it notes? Actually, I've just worked out where my stamps are. In the Christmas card box. In the loft. The Baron is going to love that. I can just imagine it:
"The stamps are in the loft? Why? I can think of several places slightly more practical to keep them." Your arse is the phrase that springs instantly to mind, but I will need to be nice if I want to see those stamps before Christmas.
"Urm.....yes. Sorry 'bout that, but I need them down here." Grovel, grovel, grovel.
"You made me get the ladder out, risk life and limb to squeeze that box in the loft whilst fighting off three deranged cats who wanted to play on the ladder, and you want it back?! Are you trying to kill me?"
Muttering something about the high level of insurance on the Baron’s life.......
"It was an accident. I need a stamp, so could you pretty please get them down for me"
"Go buy one. I'm not climbing up there for a stamp." Arms crossed, and evil face meets my sweet and pleading countenance.
"I suppose now is the time to tell you that I may also have accidently put your driving license in there too." Big grin as I know I have won this round and will see my stamps shortly. The driving license is in fact safe in the car file, but since he doesn't have a clue where anything is, I'm keeping that to myself and playing dopey. I might have put in the box. It is just highly unlikely!
"You stupid tart." The Baron stomps off.
A Dangermouse pin, bought for charity and for vanity. Headway is a brain injury association, supporting those with a brain injury and their families. When I bought the memory gadget for my laptop, the store was selling these pins and I had to have one. It is exactly the same as the picture that appears after all my posts. So cool"
And finally.......
No real cash as I only had coins and I put those in the secret compartment in the car for going through the tolls. I left some shrapnel to put in my penny pot tonight. The Baron swiped my debit card to get cash out as he doesn't have a card and all his money is transferred in to my account. One day we will both have the same day off and will finally be able to sign for a joint account.
Three credit cards. One is bright green, and has a good cashback scheme. Two are silver and one of those has a picture of a lightening strike on it. I need to cancel the non lightening card. Three store membership cards (all free). An old savings account card. I barely use the account as the interest rate is crap, but it is purple, and I like purple things.
My picture driving license, and it is the worst picture in the world. I was talking at the time because I didn't realise that the picture was about to be taken. So my mouth is slightly open. My work identification card, with the same vile picture on. A donor card from 1993.
And that, folks, is the contents of my purse. As the Capital One ad says - what's in your wallet?
What would a random stranger deduce about my life from that motley collection? Answers on a postcard if you will.
posted by DMouse007 @ 2/25/2004 05:09:00 PM
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