Marching onwards: 04/01/2004

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Hanging in there

I'm still alive. Just.

Tomorrow is the trip to Ireland for the wedding.

I will tell the tale when I return. A saga awaits you.........

Monday, April 19, 2004

Today's lessons

Don't leave files for four months before sorting. Paper left alone reproduces.

Apparently you can't use your no claims bonus on two insurance policies. Expensive problem, now sorted.

When you put food in the freezer, label it. Chilli can look a lot like spaghetti bolognese but isn't as good with garlic bread.

If you have to look after children, never run out of Calpol. Ever.

If you have white cats, don't let them dig in the garden when it has been raining.

Don't leave important work on the computer during a thunderstorm unless it is backed up.

If you have hayfever, reap the benefits of modern medicine. Don't try to be brave.

Chocolate really does solve most problems.

When chocolate doesn't cut it, mix it with rum.

Purring cats, a woolly blanket and a Baron is a nice way to end an evening. Especially with chocolate and rum.

Friday, April 16, 2004

Good things that have happened today

1/ Finally had a haircut. I no longer look like Cousin It.

2/ Bought an outfit for the stupid wedding. Technically it is for work since I refuse to buy an outfit for the wedding, but it happens to be ok to wear to more formal occasions.

3/ Bought two pairs of my favourite shoes.

4/ The Boy returned home from his Dad and gave me a big cuddle.

5/ Ellie escaped! It was funny - the cat flap is set to let cats in and not out, so she waited for Frankie to come in and nipped out at the same time. Then she got scared and cried to come back in.

6/ The Baron cleaned my car, inside and out.

7/ Finally mastered the bass line to By the Way (Chilli Peppers). Sore fingers but deep satisfaction.

8/ It's the weekend!

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Little ditty

There was a nice chirpy post.

That detailed the things that pleased me most.

The car went bang, the cat went "wwwwaaaahhhhh"

And deleted the nice chirpy post.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Need. Sleep.

Busy day at work has sapped my strength.

1/ No-one is available to answer my questions. Ever. And question answering is pretty fundamental for an auditor.

2/ Deranged client took exception to some recommendations. I have to smooth over and pacify. But he is most definitely deranged. Huge drama queen too

3/ Long journey on the train involving an open mouth gum chewer (those who know me know that I consider that grounds for justifiable murder), people kissing their teeth (also a shooting offence), a girl so skinny that I was amazed she could stand, a rather round lady reading a diet book, a weird person reading their novel out loud to the train and some strangely dressed people.

4/ The Baron got lost picking me up from the station. It wasn't my normal station so it is partly forgiveable, but he has retrieved me from there on more than one occasion.

Never mind. I'ts bed time in a couple of hours.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Bad eyebrow day

I woke up to be told by the mirror that overnight I had grown a unibrow. I turned my back, asked the mirror nicely if it could please tell the truth, and turned back. It was still there. Shit.

OK. Maybe it didn't entirely grow overnight. I admit I may have let things slip a little in that department, but I swear to God that I had two distinct eyebrows last night. Not one. Not a furry beast of an eyebrow.

So I set about transforming the furry beast into two sleek arches. Out come the tweezers.

Five minutes later, I decide that taking my glasses off and putting the light on might help a little. I don't want to look permanently startled, like my sister.

I know she has a good excuse (I hit her over the head with a toy hoover in my younger years and split her eyebrow; the hair has never grown back), but that isn't the look for me. She can arch that brow better than I can.

So....back to the unibrow. I managed to separate them into two bushes, but I've neglected them for so long that I can't use the stubbly bits as a guide to what I need to pluck. I have to work freehand.

It is much harder than I remember. One false pluck and I will look slightly deranged. So I pluck slowly and steadily - doing that thing where you rearrange the hairs to check what it might look like if you remove it.

Nearly there. Just a couple of bits left.

And there's the trouble. I have one hair left on one eyebrow that needs to be plucked. But do you think I can grip the little fucker? No, it is wily. It doesn't want to die.

I turn the tweezers. The hair slips through my grasp. I try again through gritted teeth, but the deviant hair mocks me. It gloats. It isn't going anywhere.

Me against an evil black hair. A battle that has plagued womankind ever since some bloke decided that women needed immaculate eyebrows and devised the tweezers so that they could torture themselves to please the eye of said man. No woman would come up with such a daft idea. Women give birth, and so have little desire to create additional pain for themselves. This is clearly the work of a man. And I hope that he gets it. Good. Painfully. With methods involving tweezers and nostril hairs. And possible some hot pokers; not that I am vindictive or anything.

I've tried every trick. But that bugger is going nowhere. I have dents in my skin, I am bleeding and yet it remains. A lesser, or saner woman might give up. But not I.

I've been to work with my top inside out. I've been to Edinburgh a week early. I will go to work with a mangled eyebrow. That hair is coming out! It is a battle of wills, not beauty.

So far.......I have removed three hairs that I didn't plan on removing. I have lost a large chunk of skin. And blood. The hair remains.

I am talking to a hair. Well, actually I am threatening a hair. Although threats of extreme pain to a hair are futile, I know. Especially since I am in pain now from my attempts to get the little shit. Retrieving Harvey from the neighbours tree is a picnic compared to this.

It's time to get reinforcements. No, not a beautician.

Except I don't know where my implement of choice is. My eyebrow is bleeding and throbbing and the cats want to go out. Dinner is nearly cooked, and yet I am ransacking drawers and cupboards.

Papers fly, cats run, marbles scoot across the floor (where the hell did they come from?) and I find my lost phone charger. I was wondering where that had gone.......

There! Got it. And out slides the little fucker, just like a skewer in a well cooked cake.

My implement?

Nail clippers.

And I suppose that now they are in front of me, I should really do my nails too.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Hard work

The loft has been cleared and is now devoid of crap.

I have emptied, repacked and moved boxes all morning. Then I have shifted the items for rubbish to the Baron's car. And the items for charity to my car.

The Baron is working late, and forgot to tell me in advance. So his lovingly prepared dinner is slowly going cold on the side. And is also being nibbled at by a little girl cat who likes spicy tastes. I won't tell if you don't tell.

The boy cats are all sleeping. Busy day for them. Harvey has led me a merry dance around the neighbourhood trying to bring him in, Frankie jumped on my poorly made computer desk and shattered it, and Charlie has developed an antipathy to the litter tray requiring repeated floor cleanings.

This all between shifting boxes (on my own, of course).

So today I have :

1/ chased the self proclaimed Tabby King out of the neighbours tree, with no help from my assembled audience of people with nothing better to do than laugh at me, and promptly lost him under the overgrown bush with purple sprouty bits. Down on my hands and knees, I poke my arm under the bush to yank him out.

I pull something out. It isn't a cat. Lets just say that it was icky and leave it there. I try again.

Ouch! My hand now has several teeth marks that weren't there before, and a lovely new seam.

The audience: "Ooooohhhhhhh"

Me: "You bloody bastard cat!"

The audience: "Bad mad cat lady - you shouldn't talk to him like that. No wonder he won't come out"

Me: "????????"

I carry on groping unseen under the bush.

Me: "Ouch!"

Harvey: Feline swearing that words don't really describe.

The audience: "Ooohhhhhh. Is she hurting him?"

Me: "Fuck off and eat Easter eggs until you choke."

The audience: "You aren't very nice"

Me: "And?"

Me: "I am going to wring your furry neck when I catch you, you little shit"

The audience: Indiscriminate mutterings as they rapidly back off. Apparently I am scaring the children.

Now it is just me and Harvey. Alone. Other than the bush.

In I reach. And bugger me if the little git doesn't come up and rub up against my arm. Yoink! We have the Tabby King.

I take in my deranged cat. who is now purring his heart out. I don't get him. At all.

I shut the door.

2/ Removed my broken computer desk.

Crash! A mini explosion sounds from upstairs. Ellie is by my feet. She is the source of most disasters, so I am at a loss. Until Frankie rockets down the stairs, puffed up like a duster.

My heart sinking, I go upstairs. And find my computer desk in several pieces across the floor. It turns out that the slightly rotund Frankie leaped from the loft bed, landed on the desk and then the floor as the desk gave way.

I haul the desk, in 3 parts down the stairs. Harvey doesn't help by sitting in the lower part as I carry it. Ellie and Frankie stay out of the way, helpfully secreting themselves in various half packed boxes. Frankie ventures out once I am done, with a look on his face as if to say "where is my climbing frame?"

It is now outside. In five pieces. I got a little frustrated, and a little hammer happy.

3/ Cleaned the floor three times.

Charlie, bless his orange cotton socks, prefers not to use the litter tray when no-one is looking. He prefers just behind it, where his offerings cannot be immediately seen.

However, I have a nose. I can smell what he has been upto. Charlie is lovely, but he is smelly. Even more so than Ellie, whose nickname Smelly Ellie is well earned.

I don't think he is marking, because the location changes everytime. I think he wants me to lose my mind.

It is working.

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Sad news

I haven't been to Friends Reunited in ages.

I just paid a visit, updated my profile, checked my old friends, and clicked on the school message boards. I just found out that a former classmate died. Aged 25.

RIP mate.

Good news!

The mortgage was approved!!!!

Full steam ahead!

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Moving!

Our offer was accepted on the new house. We move in five weeks.

(We retracted our offer on the other house. The people at the top of the chain have still not got off their arses and found a house).

I have a small dilemma. We are going the self certification route on the mortgage because we don't fit the standard income mulitpliers. We can afford the repayments easily due to our lifestyle, but the mortgage lenders generally don't consider that, preferring to use the tried and tested income multiples.

Back to the self cert.........the broker is somewhat stretching the truth to make sure that we fit the criteria and can get the mortgage. I feel a little uncomfortable with this, although I understand that we wouldn't be able to afford this house otherwise (and it is a fab house). We can afford the repayments easily, even factoring in interest rate rises........but that little niggle won't go away that I am being somewhat naughty.

Ick. The application goes in tomorrow. Fingers crossed that it all goes well.

In other news......the house is FAB!!! It is a townhouse, so over three floors. It has:

an intergral garage;
a downstairs cloakroom;
a utility room;
a ground floor reception room;
a kitchen diner;
a huge pantry;
a living room;
three bedrooms;
one en suite;
a family bathroom;
a loft; and
a back garden.

It also boasts two car spaces and is near the main road to the motorway, and hence to work. I really really hope that all goes well!

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Sadness, madness, badness and guilt

It's a Sunday night and I am home alone.

Well, I'm here with the cats, so I'm not technically alone. I've been a good girl today and done all the washing, organised my desk, paid all our bills on-line and done two months worth of filing. I'm about to sort out my recipe collection.

That is something l thought I would never say! I'm 26, and not only do I have a recipe collection, I have one large enough to require periodic attention. What happened to me? When did I become a person who is in on a Sunday night with her motley crew of cats, drinking tea and going through her recipe file? Sad or what?

I'm trying to get things organised for the upcoming move. Which is looking less and less likely. We saw a house yesterday that I think is perfect - exactly what we are looking for and is in our price range. But the Baron thinks the garden is too small. This from the same Baron who feigns hayfever every time it comes around to time to mow the lawn.

So he isn't interested. The house that we have had our offer accepted on is a nice house, but most definitely smaller and in need of more work than the one we saw yesterday. True, it is cheaper, but by the time we have completed the necessary work it wouldn't be much cheaper and would still be smaller. So to me, it seems clear that we should retract our offer and bid on the other house.

The chain connected to the other house is still incomplete - the people at the top are taking their precious time over finding a house, and for us time is an issue. Our buyers are pushing ahead - the surveyor has been around, and we don't want to risk losing our buyers by having to wait in a chain that isn't even complete yet. So we need to move quite quickly to ensure that they don't pull out and leave us stranded.

The house we saw yesterday is owned by a family. A day before exchange and completion (they were literally packed up and ready to go the next day) their buyer pulled out. The property that they are wanting to buy is vacant and so they need a buyer quickly. Suits us fine - we could be ready to move in four weeks.

And the Baron? Still isn't interested simply because the garden is smaller there. Like you live in a garden!

Weird. My eardrum has started to twitch. I can feel it, and I can hear it. Now that is really annoying! I may be driven to madness if this doesn't stop. Well, at least closer than I am now.

Where was I?

Houses. Had enough. I want to move and be done with it. So I am seriously tempted to pull out of the chain we are in. The estate agent has been less than helpful, possibly because his commission is at risk if we find another property and pull out. He seems to think that being unhelpful will deter me from looking and I will just wait. Bollocks. I'm determined to make sure that he doesn't get a penny in commission.

I know I am bad. But I feel very guilty that I will force the family who lives in the house we originally offered on to put their house on the market. It will sell, and given the chain is incomplete, they shouldn't have a problem, but I feel bad that I will disappoint them.

Ear has stopped misbehaving. Woohoo! It hurts now, true, but that isn't as annoying as twitching.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Bloody, bloody, bloody

Bloody sinuses.

Bloody hormones.

Bloody cats.

Bloody houses.

Bloody nephews.

Bloody Barons (not of the Slytherin variety).

Sums it all up, really.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Samson

Samson, the deranged and rather large rottweiler, had a loopy fit today.

He took a minor dislike to a poodle, and decided that he would quite like to eat him. So he tried.

Yappy poodle is fine. Samson has damaged his back claws in chasing him and has bled all over the floor.

Mum couldn't hold on to him when he took off. She fell down when Sam pulled and has grazed her hands quite badly. She also bled all over the floor.

I tried to clean everyone up, and slipped over on all the blood. Hit the floor, banged my knee and have reinjured my tendon (damaged after the Boy's birthday party incident).

Needless to say, everyone is feeling somewhat sorry for themselves this evening. The dog is skulking around in the kitchen, my mum is nursing her hands and I have returned home for some peace and quiet. Hasn't really worked out.

I've just been out chasing a Harvey Cat down from a tree. When he realises I am out to retrieve him, he shimmies up a tree. He hasn't yet figured out that without the leaves, I can see exactly where he is. Silly boy.

So I have another four hours of peace before the Baron returns home from work. I will of course be in bed by then. Having the house to myself is nice, but it is getting a little boring and lonely. I go and see my sister some evenings, but I really don't like coming back to a dark and empty house.

What shall I do this evening?

A grumpy Baron. A deranged 6 year old nephew. 6 cats with aspirations ranging from dog domination to pet goldfish consumption. A rottweiler. 3 pet goldfish - for now. And sometimes I even do some work.

Name: DMouse007

Location: Essex, United Kingdom

What can I say? By day, I am a respectable member of the auditing community. By night, I am a beer guzzling bass guitar player with a good side line in cooking.

View my complete profile